1/2593793478593 x infinity.

Hi,

Remember me? It's Natalie... ? I say this word as if it might ring a bell, ablaze a light(bulb), spark a kerosine flame... but the truth is, this designation is only a term created for self-security. Security that I am important. That my existence serves some importance to those around me. That I am bigger than the shell of a body I live in. In truth, I am but only a tiny cloud of matter that will exist for 1/304349587923779487r9.. in the grand scheme of things.

Nonetheless, my human ego still urges me to express myself- as if the thoughts I type into tangible existence might mean something, to someone, somewhere. Or if at the very least, may they feed my soul, will my labor not be in vain (since writing in bed w. strawberry incense, old jazz & vanilla chai is so very laborious).

In my neglect of you, sweet electronic journal, I ask you to forgive me.. for in all intensive purposes, I have been forgiving myself these last few weeks. This summer has been one of the most difficult periods of my conceivable life (that which is committed to memory of course). Yes you are probably thinking, what does this young, spoiled girl from the Valley know about real hardship?

And I fully acknowledge my fortune in the lottery of lives- I was born in a upper middle class family where love, food, warm sheets, an education, & opportunities have always been served buffet style. These riches have sustained me, and yes- spoiled me. But I recognize these uncommon affordances, and thank G-d, or whatever/whomever exists above, for these blessings on the daily. I am one lucky earthling.

I can taste the cinnamon baked into my mother's pumpkin pie, feel the love exuded from my grandmother's pores when she smiles, & savor the ah-ha moment when I learn a complicated concept after hours of brain-full effort.

So, yes- I AM thankful. I am filled with gratitude, and I realize how lucky I am- to the point where I don't feel worthy of these fortunes. Even so, I still feel the Richter's echo around my egocentric world- one which revolves around my pain, my happiness, and my hopes, fears & unrealistic dreams. These experiences weigh me down in this crazy universe.

Most recently, I was able to survive an intensive session of summer school (you would understand the use of survivorship if you were enrolled in the Berkeley Biology Hell-Camp, 2010), was depressed with school (medicine is not the only career choice, people), & yes of course, found myself through a particularly tough breakup. The last is still a struggle I am coming to terms with. All I can say, is thank heavens for Paul Simon, my yoga mat, good friends, J. Walker Black, fun escapades, & my family.

On the lighter side, much has been "gained" from this time of seeming "loss." I have discovered a new-found desire to explore new interests, found the confidence that slipped away for a bit with my move to Bizerkeley, and strengthened the relationships with those that mean the most to me, most important being the one I have with myself. I still have a lot more work to do, but am dedicated to climbing through it. For as long as the desire is strong enough, the efforts will materialize themselves. Is that my first affirmation? Holy hell, I'm dunzo.

Anywho, I had a conversation with someone tonight, a former flame, lover of life, and affectionito (yes I like to make words up) for all things worth deciphering. He told me, that if I wanted to find the answer (and I'll leave the question to you), that I should pray. To be quiet honest, I have never really prayed before. Sure, there's the typical "Please G-d, help me pass this final so I can pass in life" before a Berkeley exam, but nothing of real substance.

As I'm unaccustomed to prayer, and wouldn't know the first words to conjure into a statement, he put it into lamen terms for me. Let it be template for all dubious, unknowledged folk:

"I surrender to you, great universe, divine providence, G-d (whatever you feel comfortable with), and ask you to give me the strength to find answers to the questions I seek. For it is with your guidance, that I may become a better person, for both myself and the greater good of others."

(He also told me a secret to get your prayer answered, [it involves genuineness], but that's staying with me as a consolation prize for the sweet time I spent getting to know this person)

Anyways, I say we try it, this whole praying thing. You and I, I and you, us and them. Yeah I don't know if I believe in G-d, and dislike religion for the claims it holds on righteousness, but at the very base of it- I am a believer in good. And that is the purpose of believing in a higher power anyways right?

That we are more than the capsules we exist in. That we have consciouses, souls, a moral compass, and the nature to feel love, to give love, & to create love. How are new humans created? Created in love, consummated in it, programmed to continue this love. (Eliminate 95% of the existing sexual relationships here.)

So I ask you, what do we really have to loose? Even though I will probably feel like a phony (Holden Caulfield, are you listening?), with my half-believer-culturally Jewish-need to know more agnostic self- I could gain something. Regardless of whether the words are heard, from a being above or my dad in the next room, at least I will hear them. And that's all that really matters, right? Right.

Till next time,

1/3498320482038402384 x infinity.